I was just planning on writing something and I just happened
to know my laptop had been abandoned with Microsoft word for days. So first thing
first, got it installed. It’s been some time, I have not written anything
concrete. Well, I had my excuses alright. Exams and busy time were my two very
favorites. Now what? I have no more exams like the real ones, the night
pullers. That question really bugged me and I had to think it through to come
up with the real answer. I finally made a commitment to myself; I will continue
writing no matter what. Already I m done with the first paragraph bragging
about the whole messed up days of my time.
I have always wanted to write about the paths or directions
or bearings, if that sounds fancy. I even spent some of my amateur poetry on
that one. But I could never get anywhere close to the finishing line. That poem
was never born as I know it. A lot of we people make choices, decisions, plans
and strategies for life. If we put our thoughts together and think then we realize
that we have made plenty of choices, a lot of life changing decisions and hand
full of such plans that never worked out for us. A lot of people have postponed
their exam preparation plans, including the one writing and the one reading
this. A lot of us have denied choices we had been offered with and still playing
ahead in life with regrets. A lot of people with impeccable agendas have failed
to keep up with their promises. This agenda word always reminds me of the
former rebels and present-day fragmented Maoist party. They would always say
agendas and shit but we know how thrashed our country has become with their
agendas. I don’t want to drag that depressing tale into my writing, not now
when I am finally feeling good about writing.
We have our paths confirmed for this time ‘now’ and we carry
our baggage from the past. Good portion of that baggage is filled with past
regrets, a lot of them with resentful memories. Few of us, we still grieve over
the choices we denied. Some of us might still linger in this thought, life could
have been just better had it been those days again; I would do so many things
right this time. I would dust off so many of my messes and try creating very little
this time. But there is no going back to where we came from. Hearts have been
hurt, people have cried their eyes out, children have grown into men and men
got older and died. Life doesn’t give that second chance to everyone. But life
is about the second chances we create to live better. Better than now, better
than yesterday and better than any time in the future. We live now, we breathe
oxygen now, the clock on the wall reveals this ‘present’ for us now. There is
no past there is no future those are our imaginations, wild, wildest
imaginations.
But it is not really easy to believe this way. Believing is
really a tough exercise. Even with the god, it’s not easy keeping that faith
alive. We had our doubts about gods, even when we were children. We questioned
to every god’s action with our parents as children. We questioned this every
time why god, why me? We found it hard to believe sometimes, there is any god
up there during those times of trouble. And the next moment we are happy, we
yell ‘thank god’. Believing is a practice but less when it comes to god and
more when god doesn’t favor you. We were parented that way. God has nothing to
do except good parenting. And everything rest is evil about God. No bragging
much of my atheist thoughts today. I will save it for some good time later and
it’s still in progress this whole atheist thing. It takes some good practice as
well. But believing is a practice that is what I m sure of now.
I have forgotten how to change paragraphs while writing
something long. I lack a great deal of practice these days. The thing that I do
with my random thoughts about the paths I didn’t choose is I tell it to myself,
‘well that can’t stop me from taking chances in life’. It could certainly not
stop me from wanting writing this, I can tell. I know I am babbling on the
fifth paragraph already. I made it to the fifth paragraph, but I guess a lot of
people didn’t even bother getting here.
We have this weird
ability most of us dare to think that ‘I can make my own choices for my time
and for someone my age’ and rest are simply confused. But if you still don’t believe
me, you got to think of the time when you first learn to ride bicycle. Your parents
won’t allow you to ride the bicycle twice your size, but you would still sneak
out the house and hit the road and not think how furious your parents are back
home. You would feel the cool air whispering across your ears, look at the
people around you when your eyes were done focusing on the handle, when u were
just procuring the confidence to show off trying to rise to the seat and leave
both hands free. Not until the time you bumped on some speed breaker and lost
the balance of the steel; No, you don’t realize you have made the wrong choice
in the first place. But that wrong choice has given a lot of drivers. Some of us
drive ambulance to deliver sick people to the hospital saving million lives. Some
of us are pilots who fly like birds and deliver people home to their family to
their destination. Some of us drive school bus and deliver children to jail,
just kidding! Some of our parents still give their children ride to school no
matter what type the vehicle is. Life is good because there is nothing called
perfect. Even the bad decisions for the time being when we broke out of the house
with the bicycle and got hurt have taken us somewhere in life. Just we have to do is put all our guts together
to sneak out of the angry mind, bereaved soul, hurting heart and hit some road
again.
